Sherri Weisenfluh, LCSW, ACHP-SW Associate Chief Clinical Officer, Counseling

Bonnie Meyer, DMin, BCC Director of Bereavement and Spiritual Care

Holidays, for many people, are times to be with loved ones and share family traditions.  Because we have such a strong association between holidays and being with loved ones, holidays can be painful instead of joyous when a loved one dies.  After the death, we miss them every day, but may miss them the most on special days that are packed with memories—the holidays which mean the most to us.

For those who are grieving, the approaching holidays are often anticipated with dread rather than with joyful anticipation.  Some dread going through the motions of the usual holiday activities without that person’s presence.  The reality of their absence will be so unbearable that we are unsure whether we will even want to do anything associated with the holidays.

Yet we wonder, what do my living loved ones need at this time?  And, what do I need at this time?  What shall I do, and what shall I not do, this year?

If you or someone you know will be going through the holidays this year while grieving the loss of a loved one, here are some suggestions.

• Talk with your family and friends about their ideas and plans; consider doing something special together:
• Consider the “little things” that can make a difference
  “The little things are infinitely the most important” – Arthur Doyle
  “Taking that first step, however small it may seem is a big step.  It frees you from feeling immobilized.” – Ronna Jevne & James Miller, in Finding Hope: Ways to See Life in a Brighter Light (1999).
• Make “Healing Memory Ornaments” together:  decorate a plain ornament with colors or drawings that have meaning for you; write a message to your loved one and stuff it inside the ornament; hang or display the ornament according to your family’s traditions
• Buy a present for the loved one, and donate it to a needy person
• Light a candle, or say a prayer, or play a song, or plant a tree
• Include a poem or scripture or picture, in memory of your loved one, in your holiday cards that you send
• Did the one who died always perform a particular role during the holidays (such as cutting the meat, or leading the Seder, or distributing the gifts, etc.)?  Talk about what would feel best this year:  leave the role undone?  Have someone else perform the role?  Change the role in some way?  Can that mantle be passed on to someone else in a meaningful and healing way?
• Hang a stocking or set out a bowl for the person, and ask family and friends to fill it with notes about special memories
• Give yourself and others permission to cry…and also to laugh.

• Talk with a grief counselor about your particular situation and make some decisions about what will help you through the holidays
• Attend a holiday support group and talk with others about their ideas and plans
• Attend a holiday memorial service, or visit the grave (ask someone to go with you, if that will help)
  Hospice of the Bluegrass offers holiday-related memorial services, counseling, groups, and healing activities at each of our sites.  A schedule of these events is available on the Support Groups section of our Web site

• One place your family and friends can get suggestions about how to help you during the holidays is on-line at Caring Connections

If you are facing the holiday this year during a time of grief and loss, we hope that you are able to find the support you need.  We hope that you are able to find meaning, in some small thing, that brings you comfort.  If you would like to talk to a counselor, please call the Hospice of the Bluegrass office located in your area.

Sylvia Boggs, Volunteer

How did I become a Hospice Volunteer? I did not make a conscious decision to volunteer for Hospice. It was more of an organic collision of events in my life that guided me to volunteering for Hospice.

My father died in July 2006. He lived 8 days after a repair for an aortic dissection. I spent most of that time beside him, comforting and loving. It was my first experience with death of a loved one.

I learned I have a capacity for giving comfort and presence for the ill. And that the idea, the inevitability, of death, is not difficult for me to process.

My stepfather was placed in a nursing home a year and a half ago, with advanced dementia. Visiting him in his home, I was reminded how I can comfort and give presence.

About a year ago, I started looking around for a way I could help people. I looked at a variety of volunteer activities, in nursing homes and the Senior Citizen Center. Nothing really captured me.

And then a friend of mine told me about Hospice. She had taken volunteer training, and explained to me about Hospice and what it does, and I knew I had found the group with which I wanted to volunteer. I know most people come into Hospice because of their personal experience with the organization.  Not me.  Hospice and me just found each other.

I have been a volunteer for six months, visiting a couple of patients once a week in a nursing home. I can tell how much they appreciate my visits, and I have enjoyed hearing their stories. One of my patients has few other visitors, and she keeps track of the day of the week, always knowing when I will come, ready with questions about my week.  For one of my patients, I transported her mother to the nursing home for a weekly visit, and, even though the patient has died, I am maintaining a relationship with her mother because she is now a dear friend of mine. I have also had the honor of volunteering at the Flight 5191 Sculpture dedication ceremony, and the fun of working the finish line at the Bourbon Chase Race.  Thanks to Hospice, I feel as if I am doing volunteer work that matters. I am reaching out to people in a way that makes their lives, and their end of life, more meaningful and pleasant.  And I am benefitting from exposure to a bunch of amazing people I would not otherwise have met.

Sylvia Boggs is a volunteer with Hospice of the Bluegrass

Deede Byrne Chief Clinical Officer

Since 1978, Hospice of the Bluegrass has provided quality end-of-life care to terminally ill patients and their families using a comprehensive spectrum of care – from palliative outpatient services to in-home medical services to family and community support. Additionally, grief and bereavement services extend to family members, caregivers and anyone in grief including those whose loved ones were not hospice patients.

Hospice care focuses on maximizing quality of life for individuals with a life threatening illness by providing the most effective medical care to control symptoms and pain while also offering emotional and spiritual support to patients and those who love them. Hospice services include a team of highly trained medical experts that work with the patient and family to identify goals of care and manage bothersome symptoms. Additionally, hospice provides all the medications related to a terminal diagnosis and all the necessary medical equipment an individual may need.

Once a patient is admitted to Hospice, he or she will work with a team of clinical professionals including but not limited to a nurse, social worker, chaplain, bereavement counselor, certified nursing assistant and volunteers. This team of clinicians works closely with the patient’s own physician to provide the best care possible. Additionally, this team visits the patient’s home or current residence to care for an individual and their family.

Hospice care is available for all patients facing any terminal illness and at any age. While some may think of hospice care as only for individuals with cancer, in reality only 43% of HOB patients had cancer as their primary diagnosis in 2010. The leading non-cancer diagnoses include Alzheimer’s/dementia, heart disease, kidney and lung disease.

Some in the community may be surprised to learn that patients and families wish they had known about hospice services sooner in the disease progression. Hospice is not just for the last days of life; it is for the last phase of life. That often begins when a person receives a prognosis that his or her life expectancy is six months or less.

A pervasive myth about hospice care generally is that is can be a financial drain on the patient and family. The truth is that Hospice of the Bluegrass works with Medicare, Medicaid and most private insurance. Additionally, no patient is denied care because of a lack of insurance or resources.

Anyone can make a referral – the process begins with a simple phone call. Hospice of the Bluegrass provides care to 32 central, southeastern and northern Kentucky counties. For more information on hospice services or to find a Hospice of the Bluegrass office in your area, visit www.hospicebg.org.

Please share with us any questions you have about Hospice of the Bluegrass and our programs and services.